Letter to my younger self.

Dear me from 2005,

Hello. 10 years ago, you were still in your senior high school dreaming to be a successful business women just like your mom. You were dreaming you could be wealthy enough to donate to your school and be somebody. You were telling everyone that you do not need a man to complete your life because you are so good, you can live it your own. Also, your crazy idea of having a child without getting marry scares all these small town people. You were joking like you are going to choose the best quality sperm donor to have baby with. Well, I'm so glad you didn't and you are fucking naive. 

To be honest, now? You are not at your best place. You are struggling to look for a decent job to support yourself. To even be independent. Good news is, you are dating your crush from your primary school. That good looking naughty boy who's always the centre of the attention in school, who's sound like a Donald Duck when he speaks. He is going to be your husband. Who would have thought that, right?

Both of you are so in love, you know it's difficult because you know your mom so well. Some more, he is from the place your mom hated the most. Well, sucks to be him. Still, no fuck is given because you believe that time will prove everything and love can conquer the coldest heart. I don't want to be mean, but. It really takes time, and you gotta deal with a lot more bullshit. Seriously, I didn't know it will be that difficult. You love him so much till you fucking want to kill him for being so blunt(?) I don't know what's the word to describe. 

Anyways, I'm glad that you left Shanghai to Malaysia and choose to leave by yourself with aunty. You are so much better than I thought. I'm glad you are a strict person who take cares of yourself, I mean I'm glad you are not a slut or material girl. I'm glad you are the most cheerful person and bringing all these positive vibes to people around you. 

Even though now you are dealing with problems of your own wedding. You are kinda backing up, but don't be afraid of the future because nothing is going to stop you to be the best. Trust him, trust yourself. 

Love,

Me from 2015

Year 2015

On November, I finished the grading courses and I'm a certified gemologist. Happily coming back because I can finally work for real for real. 

On December, I interviewed for a gemologist job which didn't last for 3 months. Shame on me. I am embarrass because I was a little high expectation about myself and the job but that's it.

Little munchkin just nap like that. He changes so much about his personality, now he is a sticky little monster. Lol

Time flies to March 2015, we were planning on things, but things are not exactly going the way we wanted. So, plan B is up. This plan B is the original plan of mine which doesn't supported by John at first, now I guess he is take it into consideration. Hahahaha. I guess my thinking too much sometimes is good. 

說話是我的本業，我念茲在茲，嘴巴長在我臉上，我可以控制自己，要說好話，不 要說不好的話。－徐薇老師

不說不該說的

不做不該做的

不拿不該拿的

不想不該想的

生氣了，就會大罵。因為情緒需要發洩。惡毒的詛咒，難聽的話從嘴裡說出。也許無意，也許有心。可是，這也只是在發洩當下不快的情緒，卻改變不了事情已經發生的事實。

最近可能開竅了，也可能想的太多了，反覆的琢磨一句話。「那又如何？」用這句「那又如何」套入生活中的小細節，發現了其實真的沒什麼大不了。我想，我已經懶得去回應或者反應。在幾個月前，我還會冷嘲熱諷的回敬別人對我的不禮貌。可是現在，我卻可以不把它當一回事。如果說我長大了，倒不如說「那又如何」這句話影響了我。 

對於不喜歡的人，我總是用「不用把她放在眼裡」的心態來面對。是自己太過在意那些曾經的傷害？其實追根究柢，就是自尊心太高。總以為自己比較好，仗著長輩對自己的寵愛所以就「不把她放在眼裡」。其實，她可憐，我可惡。仗勢欺人！自己本身很討厭狗眼看人低的人，可是為什麼自己卻成為了狗眼的那種人？如果可以不計較不在乎，別人對你的傷害就起不了作用。不計較不在乎，不代表自己沒有底線可以讓人糟蹋。不計較不在乎，生活會容易快樂很多。

A Small Fast Last Minute Gathering

Hasn't see these people in a very long time. After came back from the State, after taking care of mom I finally have time to do it. Meeting up with these babi(s). This time, we have new member join us, Vince brought a girl!!!!!!!! After 7??years of waiting. Finally!!! We were so worried about his sexuality. Just kidding. LOL. Anyway, we has a great moment to get to know Karen, and catch back about life. Can't wait for the next gathering. This time must remember to call Casson and Cathy. I felt bad for forgetting them and only realize after everyone arrived. My bad!!!

About Time

All of the sudden, I felt funny about all these incidents. I literally let everything happens which is not like a normal me. Pick a fight? Mess with people's life? I normally ignored but I responded. Think back, it's not really a big deal to talk or waste my time dealing with it. Maybe that time I was not at the stage I'm standing right now. I see things clearer now and it really doesn't worth it. So what if I knew how the true color are, it's not necessary to expose to the world because everyone will know eventually. It's the timing, the longer it takes the more we can see and we can now see what had happen and no one is happy with it. No matter how stupid a person is, they will grow up one day and figure out whatever they've did is ridiculous and make people shake their head. They should be ashame of themselves. 

Peace out.

End Of The Study?

After a year spending time in Sydney Australia, I am so done with study. Everything happen in a year. Seriously, everything. Besides school life, I had a couple of trips happening during that time. Went to Brisbane with the Chua's. Came back to Malaysia for 3 times during the study going on, learned the barista skill, worked in a café. Going through a break up, family and friend visited. Oh lets not forget the unnecessary fight, LOL. Wasted time and energy and not even making it better. Lets not even waste time on writing it here.

The study experience:

So far, Sydney Raffles is so much better than Sydney KL. This is undeniable. The courses, assignment and excursion we had done was amazing and helpful except the money we need to spend on our final major project. English is a problem despite I wasn't the worst user, but I was having trouble on assignment. Quoting the lecturer 'baby language'. 

The living experience:

I am the luckiest person in the world. Mom and dad allows me to stay in the most exclusive apartment in Sydney, having the most convenient facility for me. I owned the one bedroom one bathroom unit which also had a huge living room and kitchen. Lots of café visit during the stay, event, and shopping. 

The social experience:

Get to meet with all these awesome people in life and became best friend. The thing is made friend with a sincere heart is very important instead of talking behind their back. We stood up for each other not stabbing each other. There's a difference. Went to a few event with them, like the Halloween party, Café opening, Neon Running event, Casino, and etc. That's a very good experience. Relatives were saying I'm living my life back in Sydney, always see me having fun, eating good food and having good company. 

After all the major project drama finished, I flew to US for Grandma's memorial/family trip. Before this, mom suggested me to take one more course in Taiwan, because I was telling her I don't want to work until next year. LOL. So, I'm in Taiwan now writing this. Living my life with the boyfriend. Anyways, he passed the first obstacle already. Meeting my family in Taiwan. LOL. We are going to have the travelling wedding talk soon!!!

Annoyed.

自我感觉良好的人是不是都有被害妄想症？好像所有话题都跟他有关每个人都在说他？是不是每句都戳中要点，所以可以回应的那么自如好像练习过一样。我又有何德何能去关心一个这样对我的人？我不是我爸，那么大方。对陷害他的人还可以那么大方。如果不是身有屎为什么反应会这样？现在问题制造者比任何人都还无辜。什么叫做躺着也中枪？还有比这句形容词还贴切的吗？我的家事干你什么事？我在发泄我家的事你来回应什么？还那么大言不惭说的动听。真的每个人都那么关注你？如果我在意你说的话，有心要回你会等到这一天？

Done With Raffles!

Presentation day. It was really nerve wrecking. I'm glad that everything is done! All the hard work, sleepless night, stress, complaints are all done! I'm so happy that I'm the first one who did this. 

Then we had the celebration on the second day. That's the day when everyone finish everything. The feeling was so awesome! 

Then I celebrate with my halal gang at Paparich. Hahaha!

And on the same day I had my celebration with my Indo gang.

Oh this is on the day I'm flying. Hahaha. Cuteness overload!

Overall, I'm so happy with my life in Raffles Sydney. I met a lot of wonderful people even though we only get close right at the very end of our study life. But it's better than nothing. Isn't it? I'm so happy I met all these amazing friends, some are from my home country who is my seniors and some are from Sydney. Fate is a very strange thing. Without these people, I think my Sydney life will be different. I'm so glad that I have you all. 

I love my life in Sydney KL as well. I learned a lot from there and I experience a lot from there. That's the place that taught me not to believe in someone 100%. That's the place that told me not to be stupid offering people your help while they are only taking you for granted and then talking behind your back. But I am still very lucky because among all these bullshit I had, I make true friends still. Even though they are all busy with their life right now, we know we still care.  

Life in Sydney is the life I will never forget. Despite this is the first country I stayed during my study life. But I guess no more study for me. I'm so tired and exhausted with studies. I need to work and save up money. John and I have plan. HAHAHAH. It will be amazing!

我们

什么时候我们可以真正这样生活不用再分开？短暂的相处长期的分开快3年了应该也够了吧？祝全天下远距离恋爱的情侣们终成眷属。这是个长期奋战！

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感触

在外那么久，原来自己的情绪还是很难控制。看着别人掉泪，自己也会忍不住哽咽。 明明就事不关己。或许看到事情发生在别人身上，难以控制的想，如果事情发生在我身上我该怎么办？平时很少沟通的同学最近都走得比较近。因为大家要毕业了，所以都约了出来一起努力为彼此加油。当中知道一位朋友的母亲在她12岁的时候癌症过世。一位朋友的母亲在她很小的时候就离开家里跟别人生活。

我在想，如果是我，我会怎么办？没了我妈我该怎么办？虽说她对我严格，偶尔不可理喻。可是没有她，我能有现在的一切吗？当中还要经历一再被背叛，无能为力探视自己孩子的感觉。一个女人带着三个小孩经历这么多，我可以忍心放开她吗？中国人有一句话叫饮水思源。受过任何人的恩惠就要感恩而不是当成理所当然的。我爱她，就算她再让我难受，我还是会选择保护她的感受。只要过了她这关，我会很感激很感恩加倍奉还。

还有爸爸，虽然我们不是亲骨肉。他依然视我们如己出，把我们都宠上天。他在我的生命里扮演者不可缺少的角色。他总是在背后默默支持我，鼓励我。当我需要意见，他都会引导我。用他的经历引导我，让我步入轨道避开没必要的钉子。那时的我，总是觉得我不碰钉子我不知道痛。不要保护我不让我去尝试。他们知道，有些钉子碰了或许自己就会后悔一辈子，或许会走不出来。所以拼了命都不让我去碰，用“断粮”来逼我妥协。而我真的妥协。因为自己无能咩！ 能怎样？心里知道他们的好意，可是嘴巴却很贱说他们只能用这种方式让我们就范。很多人不懂，觉得我很傻。我知道，可是外人没办法体会我所体会。是谁在我无助的时候拉我一把？是谁把我妈和兄弟带入更好的环境，过我们从来不敢奢望的日子？是谁不怕辛苦，只要有机会就会从芙蓉来到吧生去见我们一个小时？如果这一切的一切可以因为一句话就抵消掉，我不愿意。外人看我是愚孝，而我从来都不觉得我可以把他们为我付出的一切还清。我只能更努力的去爱他们，早日让他们享福。

不好意思，最近情绪波动很厉害。她和他都他很好。我们没吵架。没有为了任何人跟任何人吵。只是觉得很感触。

Photo Shooting For Major

Today is the photo shooting day for my major project. Invited Lara and her boyfriend Azri to help me eat and drink all the food I ordered for my photo shoot. 

So, we've been doing this for almost 3 hours. It was fun and tiring. Get to hangout with the friends and did something interesting. Actually, the most interesting part is later at night.

Excuse for the blurry photo. I was on the move as we as him!!! He came to visit!! Well, this all happen secretly. Even I don't know this. He bought the ticket and email me the receipt. I didn't notice until he laughed and insulting me. I felt bad though cause that time I already told his parents that he is not coming cause his timetable were full and packed. But they changed it again right after I told them. So, instead of pissing the father off, he didn't mentioned anything to neither of us and bought the ticket. My feeling was very complicated. I was happy that he come, I was worried that he don't have enough time. But I seriously happy that he come. LOL

Testing with my new camera Casio ZR-1200. This was recommended by Carina, who's really good and love to selfie a lot. My skin looks flawless with the camera effect, too bad no slimming effect. LOL. 

After playing resting at home for a while, we went out and hunt for food. 

We went to Darling Harbour. Thought of bringing him to Hurricane Grill, but kitchen closed by the time we reached. We bought Mc Donald and Kebab instead. 

Continue playing with the camera! Thanks John for bringing it for me.

Easter Week

Easter break. Good day good mood. One thing in my mind - sleep! Sourced for my products and logo, still pending. But I know it will be done by next weekend. Can't wait for it!! Bought some books from Kinokunya. Bed time reading like I used to do. 

Counting Down The Days

In exact 10 more weeks I am going to finish this course. I will finally graduate from Raffles and leave this school forever. Not to be mean, but the Raffles in Sydney is so much better in KL. I wish this could be over now, but I am facing the difficult moment in my life. Creating website and photoshop. Seriously, this takes time and afford which I am not talented in this area. Why I never have a smarter brain so I can just understand this. Damn it. The whole schedule was so packed with photo shoot session, campaign shooting, source for material and look for printing firm. It's not stress at all but it is definitely a lot to do. Some more, the lecture is giving all of us a hard time. Need to personally talk to the head of the course and see what is going on with him. Unprofessional brat. cheh!

Parents Came Visit

My dad finally had the time to visit, the ticket were originally booked last year to come together with me but the factory was in some sort of changing, so he couldn't leave. One year later, he finally can come, and guess what? It's not because of me, it's because of his work. Yes, work again. Without it, how he can afford all of us? Spent 5 days here, walked around, eat around and get to know my friends. Dad being dad, he brought a lot of food to fill up my fridge, I had trouble clearing it as I have only me to finish all the food. It's so nice that they are here and I had my emotional moment when they left. Before that, mom mentioned something about going to Taiwan. I am still wondering if she meant what she said. Dad had trouble of me going to the Viper Challenge cause he said that I am too old for this. LOL. Well, hopefully I can go back on time for the challenge since I am the one who ask everyone in. 

Midnight Pillow Talk

It's almost end of March. Time pass so fast I couldn't catch up. Too little time to deal with too much stuff work loads are crazy because I've been taking it for granted. How's the life? For me it's all good untill my boyfriend created a hot mess. It's all because of a normal chat from home. Drama will never ends and things are showing out, people are slowly revealing their true color. People are watching and I'm thinking bout what's next. It's unfair to judge to be honest. I felt sorry for both parties, hopefully they'll learn this time. Sometimes I think I should have just leave it but sometimes it's just over limit I couldn't take it. I don't mind him being called not generous or not easily to forgive but please don't drag the religion stuff in.

But anyways, 2 more weeks I'm done with this term. But this time I'm not going back to Malaysia because I want to stay back and do my stuff. The subject is ending soon I can't believe! We talked about work and other stuff for our future life. I don't know if I am ready for it or not. Feels like everything come too soon and I am worry and excited in the same time. 

Can't wait for the graduation!

Write my life 2

So I choose Fashion Marketing for my second diploma while everyone is taking their degree courses. Did I regret? Yea. But, I'm happy to be involved in this field somehow. Maybe I'm just regretted with the school I choose. But anyway, I meet John around that time. It is still the best time of my life. There are ups and downs and the were broken parts and we somehow fixed it. Year 2011 taught me a lot. After I spend my 17 months in Raffles KL, I wanted to go to FIDM the school I always wanted to go in USA to continue. But always the Visa. One thing I knew was, if I did get my visa and left... me and John will not be together. So, I accepted the thought of [If it is meant to be, it will be.] 

Spend some time in Malaysia after graduated and packed my stuff to Australia Raffles. The only thing in my mind when I got rejected was [Screw this shit and I want to get over it ASAP!] So, I got back to Raffles and registered for Sydney campus. Now that I'm in Sydney, I am living a good life that everyone gets jealous of. I am very blessed that my parents are willing to spend this kind of money on me. Well.. I have nothing to say. 

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The moment (in my primary school) I saw him, I thought he is a very cool, good looking, attractive, cute, and I couldn't forget his voice. I can't describe but his voice is like Mickey mouse. Yes! Definitely Mickey. That kind of voice like can't get out of his throat. LOL. But that was when he is a little boy. I had my memory of him when I was in my standard 6/ year 6/ level 6. He was at the next class of mine. The funny thing is I couldn't remember he got spank by the principal every assembly time. I really don't have the memory. Only things I remember was he will always walk pass when we were lining up outside of our classroom before everything started. I don't know what kind of feeling is that. Obviously not love, because I am 12 what the heck did I know about love?

In my secondary school, I was in a government school. Nothing interesting happen. Oh, if my parent's divorce count, then there was. Second year I was forced to go to the school where Jeff went in Klang. That school is really small which has less than 500 students. 60% of the students were staying in hostel including me. We basically knew everyone and especially I was a transfer student and that was a popular topic when me and Carrie appeared on the same year. Then the second year when I was in Klang, he got in. I was very happy to see him. But he doesn't. Well from what I see and feel, he doesn't ok?! LOL. He only talk to the girl, which happens to transfer into the same school the same time with him. I talked to him said hi, he gave me the cold shoulder. Yea, I was disappointed and never talk to him anymore. Since then, I got all the news from other friends that he got bullied all the time. Actually, I did asked those bullies why do they do this to him. All I got is, he was very arrogant and they don't like the way he behave. But still, that time I was still attracted by him. He was really good in sports, he always got award in sports day. I was in team Green and I can't remember which team he was in. Green or Yellow. (He said we were in the same team) All I can remember that things could related to him that time was, athlete, running, volleyball (?), hostel, being bullied, Mickey mouse voice, good looking, the way he walk, and then I left Klang to Muar. We lost contact since then. 

He found me when I was in my last semester of my business course. The don't-talk-to-me moment cause I was having a hard time for my break up with an asshole. LOL. We talked for a bit and I kinda hide from him for 2 months. Maybe it is really meant to be. The old memories all get back to me and I was surprise that he wanted to talk to me. Cause the last time, he act like an asshole to me. But we had really good time talking. That's how we started. It was like yesterday and I never thought long distance relationship can last that long. 3 freaking years and counting. 

Now, we are in another stage of life when we decided to make everything official and serious. So..... that is another chapter of our life and I am still thinking to share it anymore or not. 

Write my life

I can't believe it's March 2014 already. 10 years ago I was just transferred to Chung Hwa High School in Muar. I had my braces on and I was somehow like a creature to them because I came from the big city, I had my braces on, I have the cantonese slang, I speak english, I played 24 seasonal drum, and I was so quiet and look smart to them before everyone get to know me well. Well..... after then know me, they were all agreed that my look and first impression fooled them. I am the crazy one, I am dare devil, I could beat a guy up if he step on my territory and I am the buddy.

Remember Friendster? Oh my gosh!! That was the funniest moment ever. Friends were added from all over the countries. You can look at the viewed record to see who stalked your profile. LOL. You can have all the chats, customise your profile with all these theme and make it as fancy as you can. I think in 2006 I found John there, but I didn't add him as friend. I still remember his profile picture. He was wearing a black singlet with his lame "yeah" pose and that moment, the 'number' pose were the most popular pose. Anyways, there goes my 3 wonderful high school year in Muar. Oh, during my Senior Middle Year 2, mom wanted to transfer us to Shanghai, Johnny did get his but unfortunately, me and Jeff didn't. That's the first time I saw mom cried. She hugged me so tight and cried, that's how a mom feel to have to be apart of her children when she is so helpless. The reason we couldn't get in is, we were taught in Mandarin for years, and the International school worried that we couldn't catch up, also the age, it's kinda hard for us to learn more as we basically fixed. That time I was 17 and Jeff 18. So, we went back to school in Muar.

After graduate, we went to Shanghai for good. Mom wants me to stay together get my Uni there, and I was the rebel one. I don't like Shanghai, I don't want to stay. I am a westernise girl at that time. All I want is go to a western country and study there. So, I wanted to be in the Hotel industry that time, cause I want to be a hotel mogul. LOL. I even named my corporate Fox Palace. LOL. I know it's really stupid and funny. I kinda planned my whole life when I was in high school. Well, there was an opportunity and I did my research on Hotel Management. Dad asked 'why not go to Switzerland as they have the most amazing Hotel management course there?' I was surprise that he said that, because mom and dad were not happy with the thought of me working in the service industry. But he was so supportive and ask a lot of information from his friend who was the manager in Hilton Shanghai. Then, when everything was set, dad said I have to go to USA to work on my English before I fly to Switzerland. I was so thrilled and I agreed with whatever dad said.

So, pack my back and USA it is. That was my first time to a western country. Feb 2007 during Chinese New Year. You know what? When I got there, I told dad, 'maybe I'm just gonna stay here and take business course. I like it here. I don't want to leave.' That's why I am so obsessed with USA. I stayed in LA for 1 month and flew to Portland Oregon for 2 months. That was the best time of my life living alone and live like a big girl. Then, visa went wrong and too much drama and stayed back in KL, took a business admin course in Sunway. It's my best uni life too, too much fun compares to work. LOL. Met my amazing babi(s) and we are stuck together ever since. When everyone continue their degree, I decided to change my path. I wanted something more fun, business was too bored for me. I took Fashion Marketing.

(to be continue)

Random Updates

First report done! Two more to go!! I am in love with Dayre and I updated there more than update here and even Facebook or Instagram. So, actually I was just ready to go to bed but I don't know why I open this and start typing. What am I going to write about this time? It's really random. Maybe we can talk about plan. 

Me and John we planning on something. Big and fun and surprise. This plan is not going to happen soon but it will happen. What is it? Not going to tell, because I don't like being copy by others. LOL. It's not a big deal to be copy by others actually. But I do mind somehow when you make it too obvious. Other friends said maybe there's another Hillary Wannabe. (Because I am perfect.) NAH! Thick skin me. 

These few days, John wants me to say our prayer together. So I did. And I like it. This is making me calm and peace. Even though I just slam w a few days ago. But I do felt bad because no one deserve this. So what if she really did it. If I am big hearted, I wouldn't mind at all. So, shame on me. 

It is always easier and productive when you have your goals set. I can't wait till the day come so me and John can make things happen. 

毁灭感情的不是距离，而是怀疑

那个晚上我心血来潮把男朋友写的东西翻完出来细细品尝一番。读回他在还没跟我在一起的生活，追我的那个阶段，在一起的那个时候，到现在。我们两个一起回味，然后嘲笑彼此的肉麻噁心。不可否认，这个人是很用心的在经营我们的感情。虽然有时候他会让我想十几脚踹死他。他还是很可爱。他说他不喜欢读长篇大论的文章，可是，他却可以写了很多篇长篇大论的文章。他在这3年里，让我看到什么是坚持坚定。带我看我没看过的人事物，找来很多人告诉我要收敛我火爆的脾气。哈哈哈！我还笑得出，一点羞耻心都没有。

看了那么多，我的心情当然会被影响。高低起伏，很幸福，很［美送］，很搞笑的统统都有。因为文章里的主角是我，看着看着我就会开始在一边哀怨的释放出怨气，然后说一些没意义的话。这些没意义的话包括［你变了！］［做么你没有再这样对我了！］［做么你这样不浪漫了的！］等等。我不是故意的也是故意的。两个人在一起久了，习惯了，当然就会懒了。不过我知道他的心里是有我的，只是因为在一起久了，就会expect我知道所以不用一直告诉我。

我们的约法三章，讨论以后以后以后，我知道他是那种不喜欢讨论以后的人，因为他还没做出成绩不想让我失望。他也知道当我说以后，他的配合会让我安心。所以他说［把你的以后今天一次说完！然后让我敲碎］他可以陪我说以后，以后要怎样，要做什么；大家说得天花乱坠，引导我说得更远然后再叫我［是时候回来了］

给你的信：

我希望我们以后再怎么忙，我们每个星期都要到佛堂去上课帮忙。谢谢你耐着性子陪伴我。我觉得我也很厉害，因为你也很难搞。我知道我们的以后会很难过很辛苦不能过的像现在一样，可是我知道这种难过辛苦只是一小段日子而已。我也希望我［变脸］的功力可以慢慢降低到没有，让你往后的日子过的更开心。到现在我还是很感恩你把我带入你的生活。认识了那么多人。谢谢你家人的支持我们才能够继续。那是的我以为没了你，我的日子还是这样过。可是，有你的日子才是最开心的。只是压力的关系，不够磨练承受不了所以才会放弃。也是因为不想放弃物质生活，就像你说的那样，所以我才那么在乎。那天我们说的话我都答应你。我们会好好过我们要的生活。谢谢你听我说我心里的话，谢谢你对我的毕业作品的支持。这些对我来说有你的肯定是最重要的。我爱你。

Love,

Hill